Episode 112
How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think About You
In this week's episode of The Career Confidence Podcast, we are talking about how to stop worrying about what other people think about you.
Key Takeaways:
- We often overestimate how much others scrutinise our actions and decisions.
- Worrying about others' judgments can hinder our career progression and sense of career fulfilment.
- Understanding that people are primarily focused on their own lives can help us to unhook from the fear of judgment.
- Embracing our imperfections and being open to learning is a game-changer.
- Taking intelligent risks and stepping outside of our comfort zones can lead to greater success and personal growth.
About Nicola Semple
I help people to build their career confidence and achieve their career goals.
You can book a free no-obligation chat about how I can support you to achieve your career goals: https://nicolasemple.com/chat
You can get my free guide "Back Yourself: Your 7 Step Plan to Build Confidence and Achieve Your Career Goals": https://nicolasemple.com/backyourself
You can buy my book The Career Confidence Toolkit: Take Control of Your Career and Fulfil Your Potential: https://nicolasemple.com/book
Connect with me on Linked In to carry on the conversation: https://linkedin.com/in/iamnicolasemple
A new episode of The Career Confidence Podcast is released every second Friday. Hit the subscribe button and you will be the first to know when a new episode goes live.
Transcript
Foreign hello and welcome to the Career Confidence Podcast where we explore how you can build your career with confidence in this ever changing world.
Speaker A:Hi, I'm your host, Nicholas Semple, a career and confidence coach and author of the Career Confidence Toolkit.
Speaker A:Now, today's episode isn't the one that I had planned to record and publish this week, but over the last few days I have had conversations with three clients about exactly the same challenge.
Speaker A:And what I find is when the same issue crops up time and time again, it's a really good opportunity to use that topic to record a podcast because I know it is going to be something that lots of people are struggling with.
Speaker A:So the challenge that my clients were facing is that they are caring and caring deeply about what other people think of them.
Speaker A:The situations they were in were different.
Speaker A:So the first one was contemplating a career change and they were thinking about following a path in something entirely unrelated to their current career.
Speaker A:The second one had just been promoted and was stepping into a leadership role.
Speaker A:And then the third one was contemplating what life might look like if they didn't maintain their current salary.
Speaker A:So these three scenarios are all quite different, but they have this underlying fear that was the same.
Speaker A:My clients were worried what other people would think about them and the decisions they were making.
Speaker A:And this worry was stopping them.
Speaker A:It was stopping them from taking action and moving forward to towards the things that they wanted for themselves.
Speaker A:Now this fear doesn't just set in when we're thinking about making a change within our career.
Speaker A:It also comes up in our day to day work when the presentation doesn't go as well as we wanted, or we share an opinion in a meeting that others don't agree with or even.
Speaker A:And we've all done this when we send the email and forget to add the attachment.
Speaker A:All these things can get us into a spiral where we are dissecting our every movement, questioning whether we're good enough and believing that everyone else thinks that we are thoroughly incompetent.
Speaker A:But here's the thing, people simply do not care as much as you think they do.
Speaker A:And let me repeat that people do not care as much as you think they do.
Speaker A:I'm not saying that people aren't interested in you and the work that you're doing, but they aren't nearly as interested as you might think they are.
Speaker A:If you can get to grips with this, really understand it and start to take action based on the belief that people don't care as much as you think they do, I promise you're going to notice a transformation you're going to notice a transformation in your confidence as you let go of that fear of judgment that's been holding you back.
Speaker A:And just as a side note, that fear of judgment is perfectly normal.
Speaker A:Psychologists have come up with a term called the spotlight effect, and it describes our tendency to overestimate how much others notice and care about the actions we take.
Speaker A:We are all experiencing our lives from the inside out.
Speaker A:We are acutely aware of the mistakes we make, the awkward moments we have with people, every less than perfect thing that comes our way.
Speaker A:But because we pay so much attention to our own actions, it then creates this illusion.
Speaker A:An illusion that we are constantly under a bright spotlight with everyone watching and everyone judging our every move.
Speaker A:And the reality is, most people are too busy managing their own spotlight to spend much time focused on yours.
Speaker A:Think about the last team meeting you were in.
Speaker A:Can you remember every stumble, every hesitation, every mistake that your colleagues made?
Speaker A:Probably not.
Speaker A:You were more than likely focused on your own contributions, your own performance, your own stumbles, your own mistakes.
Speaker A:This same dynamic applies to how others perceive you.
Speaker A:They are so focused on themselves, they've not got time to critique your every move.
Speaker A:But when we believe everyone is watching and judging, we make decisions based on fear rather than opportunity.
Speaker A:We avoid speaking up in meetings.
Speaker A:We shy away from the challenging projects.
Speaker A:We hesitate to put forward new ideas because what if they fail?
Speaker A:And the irony is that while we're worried about these imaginary critics, we're missing real opportunities to stand out in a positive way.
Speaker A:It's the person who puts their hand up and says, yep, I'll do that tricky project, or the one that gives the opposing point of view to get the discussion flowing, or admits that they don't know something.
Speaker A:But that's okay.
Speaker A:These are the people who build their reputation, who earn the respect, rather than the person who's playing it safe in the shadows.
Speaker A:And if we think about this in the wider context of managing your career, when you're scared of what other people might think, it can lead you to stay in an unfulfilling career just because you're worried about what others will think.
Speaker A:If you were to make a change and do the thing you really want to do instead, Understanding that people don't care as much as you think is incredibly liberating.
Speaker A:It gives us the space, it gives us the opportunity to consider how we could do things differently.
Speaker A:And when you let go of the idea that people are constantly watching and ready to criticize you wherever they can, this allows you to act in a completely different way.
Speaker A:You can start to take risks, intelligent risks.
Speaker A:But when you realize that most people won't remember the tiny mistakes you make, but they're going to notice your willingness to give things a go, then you're much more likely to volunteer for new projects, or speak up with new ideas, or even try out new career opportunities.
Speaker A:Also, you can start to learn in public.
Speaker A:When you don't feel the need to know all the right answers in case you look incompetent or that you don't know what you're doing, then you're more open to asking questions.
Speaker A:You're more open to admitting when you don't know something.
Speaker A:And this lets you learn openly.
Speaker A:Being open like this also lets you, and it encourages others to do the same thing.
Speaker A:That way you're collectively going to be building a working relationship based on honesty and collaboration.
Speaker A:And also when you start to operate in this more open fashion, it allows you to be more human.
Speaker A:So you're not crafting every email to perfection or rehearsing every conversation.
Speaker A:You can just focus on being clear and honest and communicating directly, and people really appreciate and respond to that.
Speaker A:They're much more likely to respond to your openness than to notice any minor mistakes you've made in the emails you send or the words that you've said.
Speaker A:The other thing to remember is how quickly people forget.
Speaker A:So when you did that presentation and it felt like a disaster, most of the people in that room will have forgotten the details within a few days.
Speaker A:When you led the project that didn't go quite as planned or it was running late, that soon becomes ancient history.
Speaker A:When new projects come along and people are distracted and focusing their attention elsewhere.
Speaker A:We are all constantly processing new information.
Speaker A:We're dealing with our own challenges, we're moving forward with our own responsibilities.
Speaker A:We don't have the mental bandwidth to analyze the performance of everyone round about us.
Speaker A:Even if you think that's what other people are doing.
Speaker A:It's also important to realise that this doesn't mean that your work doesn't matter.
Speaker A:It means that those times you don't do things perfectly don't necessarily carry all the meaning that you assign to them.
Speaker A:And if you think about that, that is so liberating because it frees you up to be yourself and to do the work that's important to you.
Speaker A:You get to try things out, you get to embrace learning, you get to challenge yourself without trying to manage everyone's opinions and everyone's expectations of you.
Speaker A:The other byproduct of this, which is amazing, is that your confidence will naturally increase because as you feel more liberated to go on and do the things that are important to you, then you're more likely to take action.
Speaker A:And when you take more action, you gather momentum.
Speaker A:And when you gather momentum, you're either going to be successful or you're going to learn from the experience.
Speaker A:And the more success and the more learning you have, the more your confidence builds.
Speaker A:So over the next couple of weeks, I want to encourage you to try this out for yourself.
Speaker A:If you notice that you start to dwell on what other people might be thinking about you, I want you just to hold that thought and remind yourself to let go of it.
Speaker A:I'm not suggesting that you become completely indifferent to other people's perspectives.
Speaker A:We need feedback.
Speaker A:We need that to help us learn and grow.
Speaker A:We need to build good professional relationships and we need to develop our reputation.
Speaker A:But the key is to care appropriately and about what other people are thinking.
Speaker A:Care and care deeply about the quality of your work, about the contribution that you make.
Speaker A:Pay attention to the feedback you're getting, but don't let imaginary judgment from imaginary audiences prevent you from taking the risks and making the moves that could help you find the happiness and and the fulfillment that you're looking for in your career.
Speaker A:So the next time you find yourself paralyzed by what others might think, remember, they're probably not thinking about you at all.
Speaker A:They're thinking about their own deadlines, their own challenges, their own goals and their own concerns.
Speaker A:So go for it.
Speaker A:Speak up in the meeting.
Speaker A:Volunteer for the project.
Speaker A:Make that interesting career move.
Speaker A:Because the people that you are so worried about and what they think of you are too busy worrying about themselves to judge you.
Speaker A:If this is something that you really struggle with and you would appreciate support unhooking from external validation and really embracing that truth that people don't care as much as you think they do, I would love to help.
Speaker A:Drop me an email nicolaikolasimple.com and we can set up time for a free no obligation chat.
Speaker A:And if you'd like to keep in contact, be sure to download my free guide back yourself.
Speaker A:Your seven step plan to build confidence and achieve your career goals.
Speaker A:Just go to nicholasemple.com backyourself as well as getting instant access to the guide, I'll send you my fortnightly newsletter with career confidence hints and tips.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker A:I really appreciate you being here with me today and I'll be back to talk to you very soon.
Speaker A:Bye for now.
Speaker A:Sa.
